It wasn’t something a person would notice at first glance, but the judge was drunk on Saturday at the big Soup’s On event.
Before you go jumping to any conclusions, let’s just say it was a different kind of drunk; and not the kind when a judge declared O.J. Simpson innocent, or when Stella Liebeck put a hot cup of coffee between her legs at a drive-thru and successfully sued the coffee shop of injuring her.
Those judges must have been really drunk.
No, after 30 different bowls of soup, the lucky Soup’s On judges were merely soup drunk. Do not be fooled, however, into thinking a good soup drunkard is not impaired.
It can happen.
It all started at the front of the line, with a chef in a tartan hat who was howling about the quality of his genuine Scotch broth.
There was nothing particularly wrong with the soup, although it left little doubt as to why countless Scots fled their homeland and emigrated to Canada where they could enjoy butter tarts instead.
Moving on, the judges sampled tomato soup, sweet potato soup, and even something called couch potato soup; where they were assured the big, hearty chunks in it were not plucked from between the cushions after Sunday football games.
At this point, the sweats started. It’s the first sign of a soup drunk, and the hardest to identify after a couple bowls of spicy vegetable and Thai style tom yum soup.
Down the line, there was chicken chowder to enjoy, turkey noodle to try, turkey meatball, and ham and bean soup; each one piping hot and served with relish (not the sweet, diced cucumber kind of relish, but with fondness and enthusiasm.) It was a soup lover’s paradise.
That’s stage two, a strange kind of elation: an elevated sense of well being like you could go outside and split wood or lift something heavy.
By the time the judges had downed their bowls of minestrone, split pea and ham, and butternut squash soup, they were spiraling down into stage three: glazed eyes and loss of equilibrium.
Luckily, several of the creamy soups on offer were made or garnished with ginger. Good for digestion and settling the stomach, ginger is only a temporary aid. It will make you what is known as a sober drunk, but it will get you through.
Nearing the end of their duties, the judges enjoyed Oriental bok choy, spiced Moroccan shrimp, French onion, and hamburger soup.
Ah, stage four: slurred speech, delirium, trembling hands and shortness of breath. You could ask for help, but people just think you’re talking with your mouth full. It was bliss, with no hangover.
And, like any good drunk, I’m already ready for another round.