Take your kids off the street, board up the doors and windows, and run for your lives! The aliens are here! The aliens are here!
Early last week, high in the sky off the coast of Newfoundland, locals spotted and photographed strange objects shooting across the evening sky.
Silver and grey, like bullets spewing fire out their back ends, the flying objects remain a mystery. No one seems to know what the neighbours saw that day, and whoever does know isn’t talking.
The Canadian government denied launching any missiles, suggesting they originated from the French offshore territory of St. Pierre-Miquelon.
The French also originally denied any missile activity, suggesting the rockets were probably the work of hobbyists. Hobby rocket launchers, however, aren’t known for sending rockets as large as 18-wheelers over the ocean on icy -14C afternoons.
There can be only one logical answer. Aliens are visiting Newfoundland and abducting its inhabitants for use in bizarre human experiments.
It could also be one of those super-rich, super villains with his own fleet of rocket ships, the kind you see in the movies hell bent on world domination; but that’s even more disturbing than the alien abduction theory.
So, why would anyone, or any alien, want to prey on the good people of Newfoundland?
For starters, all that rocky coastal terrain must make it easy to land or launch missiles. Mind your own business on the rock, and people will generally leave you to it.
Newfoundlanders are a friendly folk, mind you. Show up with a squeeze box or a fiddle, and sooner or later everyone will be in the kitchen, and you can have your pick of the abduction litter.
Maybe it’s all the clean living the province offers that makes them a top pick for alien abductions.
There isn’t a lot of pollution over the island, there is plenty of fresh air; and I heard it is really hard to get a big bag of marijuana in St. John’s, so maybe their blood is cleaner, once you filter out all the Screech.
Newfoundlanders are hardy stock, able to weather tough times and tough weather. They would stack up well for medical research, and probably not suffer a lot of motion sickness on a cramped missile ride.
In truth, no one seems to have any answers.
France said they had launched a missile from a submarine named Le Terrible, but only on Wednesday, not Monday.
All Ottawa would say is that there was no threat to the security of Canada.
Basically, all the fine folks of Newfoundland got for their trouble was the big brush off. It’s not like they shouldn’t be used to it by now.
Ottawa’s been giving Newfoundland the brush off for decades.