Without any real forethought on my part, I watched two heroic epics on the weekend. One was called Super Bowl XLIV and the other was The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
They are both pretty good stories; but, I do feel a little ripped off, because they are the same story. Just take a look.
One takes place in Middle Earth, and the other in the land of Fubal. In Return of the King, two great armies mass up and clash for control of the world; just like in the land of Fubal on Sunday.
In one, a hobbit named Frodo saves a kingdom. In the other, a Saint named Brees becomes the saviour of a city. At the end of the Return, a hobbit comes home and gives his child a big hug. So did Brees, except he put ear muffs on his kid in an effort to ward off evil.
There has to be bad guys to make the stories epics, so in walk Fubal’s powerful Colts, who are a lot like the Orcs from the darkest depths of Mordor. Mordor is a barren and lifeless wasteland, which really isn’t much of a stretch for Fubal if you’ve ever been to Indiana in the dead of winter.
Return of the King has a sullen steward named Denethor, who goes crazy, sets himself on fire, and ends up leaping off the castle wall. Fubal has a receiver named Plaxico, who went crazy, shot himself in the leg, and ended up in prison.
Both worlds are fond of the longbottom leaf as well, which is some form of pipeweed they always seem to be smoking when the action settles down.
And who can forget the white wizard Gandalf, who would have to be John Madden when it comes to Fubal. Madden could also be the big, creepy spider Shelob, or any one of the hulking beasts of Middle Earth.
There were trolls too; big, ugly roaring grey creatures capable of inflicting a lot of damage. The land of Fubal had the Who performing at halftime, and no one could tell the difference.
Return of the King features the evil Sauron, a brooding gloomyguts who wants nothing more than a big, shiny ring for his finger. The same could be said for Peyton, the leader of the Colts.
Gollum is a strange and tragic creature from an earlier time in Middle Earth. He had a ring, but it left him sort of broken. In the land of Fubal, you could take your pick of Gollums from any one of the hall of fame inductees they rolled out.
At the end of it all, both of my weekend epics had a running time of about four hours. There were some slow times, and other points where the action was so intense you didn’t know when to take a bathroom break.
I consider it time well spent. It’s left me looking ahead to the Olympics and, hopefully, a whole new batch of epic stories to settle in and enjoy.