When I decide to leave the hassles of ordinary life behind and become insanely rich, I may just do it by launching a new summer magazine.
As much fun as it would be to follow in the footsteps of publishing greats like Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt, my magazine will feature people with their clothes on and legs together.
It occurred to me while cottaging last week, how popular the hammock is for people seeking a little rest and relaxation. Most of the folks who climb into a hammock are readers, and they deserve a magazine that caters to their lazy lifestyle.
Hammocker’s Digest, for starters, will feature a cover photo of sunlight filtering down through trees, because that’s the first thing a person sees after they topple into their favourite hammock.
Then, I might start into a history of the hammock, and how it was invented by natives in the tropics so they could sleep without fear of insect bites or animals like rats, snakes, and Larry Flynt. See the story on page three.
Christopher Columbus brought the hammock to the new world, where it became useful any place sleeping quarters were cramped or limited.
Prior to the adoption of naval hammocks, sailors were often injured or killed falling from their bunks in rough seas. The hammock is a life saver.
It certainly was for a friend of mine, who spent the better part of a day last week fending off an upset stomach in his hammock. It seems his local drive-in theatre has been plagued by mosquitoes this summer, and he ate so much popcorn with his fingers coated in insect repellent that the DEET in it made him sick.
Read the story on how to protect yourself and your snacks from the ravages of DEET poisoning on page six of the new Hammocker’s Digest.
Speaking of poisoning, page nine features a story on the deputy mayor of a northern Ontario town who rents small cabins to hunters in search of big game. When thieves started breaking into his cabins, he began leaving bottles of booze in them.
The booze was laced with poison and, to date, he’s sent three people to intensive care. I heard no charges have been laid, because doctors still think it is alcohol poisoning.
And that’s the kind of reading you can expect from the Hammocker’s Digest. Forget recipes and gadgetry and how to build a better birdhouse, because the hammock crowd isn’t exactly motivated, and they’ll just gloss over it anyway.
I’m planning on printing it monthly, in June, July and August, when the sun and inactivity is at its highest. If someone dares to steal my idea, I’ll get rich anyway with its sister publication, Naked Hammocker’s Monthly.
It worked for Hugh and Larry, didn’t it?